A Shove in the Right Direction
by SSSRHA
Summary: In which Sakura realizes that, no, Sasuke Uchiha is not going to ask her out any time soon. So, she decides to do something about it. Sasuke is so confused. one-shot, crack-fic, non-massacre AU, strong!Sakura and clueless!Sasuke


**Graduation day.** Sakura Haruno was now a Genin. A Kunoichi. A Shinobi.

She was on Cloud 9.

As she met Sasuke Uchiha's eyes, though, she frowned. He stared at her blankly for a second before looking away.

And then Sakura Haruno was mad. She had been chasing him for _six. Freaking. Years!_ Not _once_ did he give her more than a contemplating stare. She had had _enough._

Sakura Haruno wanted Sasuke Uchiha. It was time she took some action.

-

 **Sasuke Uchiha** was ecstatic (though he may not seem like it). He was finally a Genin! While not as good as Itachi, he was getting there.

As expected, he spotted his mother and elder brother waiting for him in the Academy yard. Next to them was his father.

The smallest of smiles graced Sasuke's face. However, for Sasuke, it was the equivalent of crying youthful _(OH GOD THE MEMORIES STOPSTOPSTOP)_ tears of joy.

His father had said that he may not be able to come (Sasuke would have been salty if it weren't for the bags under his father's eyes and the fact that he was running on nothing but caffeine), but here he was.

He was about to run over to them when a voice suddenly thundered, "Sasuke _freaking_ Uchiha!"

Sasuke froze. He whirled around, his eyebrows raised. "...Sakura?"

She marched right towards him with determination burning in her eyes.

Before he could get any words out, she grabbed his shirt, pulling him towards her, and smashed her lips against his.

Sasuke's eyes widened and he froze in place. When Sakura pulled back, she said, "Congratulations, you've just had your first kiss."

"W-What the hell Sa-"

"As of now I am your girlfriend," Sakura continued.

"Wait, wha-"

"As we're getting assigned our Jonin senseis tomorrow and we'll probably be busy for the rest of the week, you're off the hook. Next Saturday, though, I expect you to be at my house at 6 p.m. sharp. Wear your best casual clothes and bring flowers, preferably pink roses. You will respect my father so that he won't skin you alive. Luckily for you, my mother will probably be on our side. I'll arrange for a reservation at Akamichi Palace.

"That will be our first date and you may _not_ screw it up. I will arrange all the dates up to number five. After that, I expect you to pitch in. Is that understood, dear?"

"What are you talking abo-"

 _"Is that understood, dear?"_

And for some reason, Sasuke paled and nodded vigorously. Sakura suddenly gave him a smile.

"Great!" She gave him a peck on the cheek. Then, while skipping off, she called out, "See you tomorrow, dear! Love you!"

Sasuke Uchiha was still frozen. Itachi came up and poked him, jolting Sasuke.

"W-What just happened?"

"You just got yourself a girlfriend," Itachi said blandly.

Mikoto walked up, bright smile on her face. "Looks like you beat your brother at more than just being less socially awkward!"

Itachi blushed and ducked his head. "M-Mother..."

Mikoto giggled.

Fugaku simply sighed. "I'd get the best flowers I can find if I were you, Sasuke. Kizashi Haruno is known for being very overprotective of his daughter. Perhaps your mother can give you etiquette tips."

"That's a wonderful idea!" Mikoto said cheerfully.

And then Sasuke finally realized what was going on.

 _"WHY ARE YOU THREE JUST OKAY WITH THIS?!"_

Itachi gave him an odd look. "Are we not allowed to be happy for you?"

"SHE LITERALLY _FORCED_ ME TO KISS HER!"

Fugaku rolled his eyes. "I didn't see you pulling away."

Sasuke went bright red. "B-But-"

"Shh, sweetie," Mikoto cooed, "don't worry, I'll fix you right up!"

Sasuke whimpered.

His heart may be starstruck, but his head was yelling _OH HELL NO!_

He assumed that his heart was _not_ supposed to be threatening his head with a ninjato.

 _Why me?_

-

 **"Team Seven** will consist of Sakura Haruno, Naruto Uzumaki, and Sasuke Uchiha."

Naruto grumbled under his breath. He had wanted to be on a team with Choji and Shikamaru. He knew that they would probably be in the new _Ino-Shika-Cho_ group, but he had still hoped.

He didn't exactly have a problem with the team combination, though. Sakura and Sasuke were both generally reasonable people, he just didn't know them that well.

But apparently Sasuke had a problem with the pairing.

 _"How the hell did that happen?!"_ Sasuke screeched.

Iruka blinked. "Well, Naruto scored lowest in the class-" Naruto grinned and Iruka gave him an exasperated look (he was deadlast and he was _proud,_ goddammit) "-Sakura is Top Kunoichi, and you're Rookie of the Year. It's the set balance for every Team Seven."

"B-But," Sasuke said, his eyes darting around desperately, "Sakura and I are dating! Aren't there any rules against teammate-teammate relationships?!"

Iruka shook his head. "Nope! It's actually pretty common for members of a team to be dating. In fact, my teammates are getting married next Spring."

"Dear," Sakura said suddenly, turning her piercing emerald gaze on him, "you make it sound like you don't want to be on a team with me. Of course, that's ridiculous." Her eyes scanned him. _"Right?"_

Sasuke started sweating. "R-Right, uh... _darling,"_ he agreed. "Absolutely ridiculous..." he trailed off, chuckling weakly.

Sakura grinned. "Right!"

And suddenly, it hit Naruto like a baseball bat thrown by a madman. His head hit the table.

"Great," he muttered. "I'm teammates with Scary and Pathetic."

"What was that?"

"N-Nothing."

-

 **Naruto, who** was tied to a stump, suddenly froze. "Wait, what happened again?"

Kakashi, who had just announced that they passed, smiled. "Uh, Sasuke attacked me, Sakura saved him, grabbed you, and organized an assault on me. None of you got a bell, of course, but it was nice to see you actually work together."

Naruto blinked. "THEN WHY THE HELL AM I TIED TO A STUMP?!"

Kakashi shrugged. "Because I thought it would be funny to see you tied to a stump."

"OH COME ON!"

-

 **Sasuke stood** nervously in front of Sakura's house. He was dressed in long pants and a clean shirt (there had been a lot of arguing with his mother because the shirt didn't have the Uchiha fan on it, but she insisted. He ended up wearing a necklace with the crest on it instead), flowers in his hands.

And he was panicking.

 _What the hell am I doing here?! Why am I holding flowers? Why did I **listen to her?!**_

Calming himself, he glanced down at the watch on his right hand.

 _5:59...6:00!_

Gathering his courage, Sasuke rang the doorbell.

The front door was opened by Kizashi Haruno.

"I'm...uh...here to take your daughter out on a date! I'll be good to her and promise to cherish every moment with her!" Sasuke bowed after reciting exactly what his mother had told him to say.

Silently he added, _"Please don't castrate me."_

Kizashi didn't hear him. He stared at him and, for a few moments, all was silent.

Then, "Why do you want to go out with my daughter?"

Sasuke stood upright, his mind racing. I don't think I can say _"Because she made me!"_ so...

"She's nice," Sasuke admitted. "She's smart and confident, too." _**Really** confident._ "I feel like if I let her go, that I'll regret it for the rest of my life." _Because she'll probably make sure every day of it is hell._

Kizashi sighed. "Good. You're a good young man. Take good care of her on your date. But if you do _anything_ to hurt her, **_I'll kill you."_**

Sasuke laughed nervously. On the inside, though, he was crying. _Why can't Father be like that?!_

Sakura came out wearing a long white shirt with the word Love written on it, and a long, floor-length skirt.

Both of them still wore their forehead protectors, though. They had just earned and they weren't giving them up, thank you very much.

The date actually ended up being... _nice._ _Enjoyable_ even.

Sakura was still crazy, though, no matter how pretty she looked in that dress or with sauce on her face.

-

 **Sasuke's eyes** darted around frantically as he did his best to dodge the senbon that assaulted him from all directions.

He had to deal with the _ice freak_ in the _ice dome_ surrounded by _ice mirrors_ that were _goddam indestructible!_

Meanwhile Kakashi - _the irresponsible gnat_ \- was fighting Zabuza Momochi, and probably already forgot about his student who was _freaking dying!_

Naruto - _the absolute moron_ \- was probably still unconscious at the client's house, not a care in the _whole goddam world._

And Sakura-

Sasuke let his thoughts stop right there. No need to get on her bad side if his hunch was right and she was actually a mind-reader.

 _Speak of the devil._

Sakura Haruno jumped into the ice dome. Sasuke twitched. "Uh, darling, aren't you supposed be protecting Tazuna?"

Sakura waved off his concern. "Don't worry, dear. I had Naruto take over."

"Naruto who just woke up?"

"He has amazing healing skills."

Sasuke sighed. "Whatever, next question-" they both dodged another barrage of senbon "-why didn't you attack from the _outside?"_

"Now, dear, where would be the fun in that?"

"You're insane."

"You know you love me."

Sasuke blushed.

-

 **Sasuke looked** on, horrified, as Orochimaru lunged at him, neck outstretched, ready to... _bite him in the neck?!_

And then-

"OH _HELL_ NO! DON'T TOUCH MY BOYFRIEND, **_SHANNARO!"_**

And Orochimaru's neck was sliced by an enraged Sakura Haruno.

Of course, Orochimaru was basically a cockroach, so he managed to slither away.

Sakura scowled. "Goddammit! I wanted to kill him and dance on his corpse!"

Sasuke winced. "R-Right, darling..."

Sakura huffed. She walked over to an unconscious Naruto and picked him up, slinging him over her arm like he was a sack of potatoes.

"Let's get to the tower," Sakura said.

"S-Sure..."

-

 **Madara grinned** as he shoved a sword into Sasuke's chest.

"OH _NO_ YOU DIDN'T!"

Madara was shoved out of the way as Sakura hurriedly started treating Sasuke.

"S-Sakura..." he wheezed.

"Shut the hell up before I slap you," she snapped. "I did _not_ go through all that trouble just to have you die from a measly little sword!"

"Uh..." someone in the background said, "aren't you supposed to be healing Naruto?"

"Honey, he isn't the only one who knows the Shadow Clone Jutsu."

"I thought you had too little chakra."

"I'm not so pathetic that I can't even make one."

"O-Of course..."

-

 **"Sasuke," Sakura** said, "we are now engaged."

Sasuke choked on his tomato. "Wha-"

"I already got us both a ring, _and yes, you **are** wearing the ring,_ and informed everyone we know. Expect congratulatory messages any minute now. I have the blessings of both your parents and your brother, and you have the blessings of my parents. Everything is done, here is the ring, meet me at Ichiraku Ramen tomorrow at seven p.m. to start planning our wedding."

Sasuke was left standing in the middle of his living room, staring blankly at the engagement ring in his hands.

 _"Wait, when the hell did she get my family's blessings?!"_

-

 **"Sasuke, I** need your help," Naruto said.

"With what?" Sasuke asked as he cleaned the blood off of his chokuto.

Naruto absentmindedly picked some guts out of his hair. "Well, I think I like Hinata."

Sasuke paused. "You _think_ you like Hinata?"

Naruto sighed as he snapped the neck of a missing-nin that had been hiding in the bushes. "Well, I _know_ I like her...and I know she likes me-"

Sasuke sorted. "Understatement of the century."

Scowling, Naruto continued. "Anyway, I'm going to ask her out when he get back, but I was just wondering if you had any relationship advice for me."

Sasuke paused. "Relationship advice?"

"I mean, you and Sakura have been together for, like, thirteen years now. You've got to have _some_ kind of secret."

"Naruto," Sasuke said, "Sakura was the one that decided our first kiss, our first date, whether or not we were engaged, and even organized most of our wedding. She'll probably also decide when we have kids. If you haven't figured it out already, listen closely:

"It's been thirteen years and I still have no damn clue what the hell is going on."

Naruto sweat-dropped. "I see...are you sure that that's a healthy relationship?"

"Well, I love her, so I guess it's just a sacrifice I made."

"When'd you start loving her?"

Sasuke shoved another corpse into a storage scroll. "Honestly, I don't know. Somewhere in between being horribly confused and mortified, I realized how amazing she really is."

"Aw," Naruto cooed as he systematically made someone's corpse unrecognizable, "that is _adorable!"_

Sasuke went red. "S-Shut up..."

 ** _~The End~_**

-

 **Omake:**

It was graduation day, and Boruto was ecstatic. He was finally a ninja! He-

Sarada Uchiha stomped up to him, grabbed his shirt, and smashed her lips onto his.

Then she pulled back. "Congratulations, you've just had your first kiss and earned yourself a girlfriend."

All was silent before Naruto groaned. "It's Sasuke and Sakura all over again."

Sakura giggled.

-

 **Whelp, that was definitely fun to write. Strong!Sakura and clueless!Sasuke are just adorable together!**

 **Remember to Favorite, Follow, and Review!**

 **This is SSSRHA, signing out!**


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